It’s about goddamn time. After nearly seventy years of endless (and boring) war, North and South Korea appear to have found a peace treaty that both parties can get behind. The idea was conceived while the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-Un, was watching an episode of Celebrity Wife Swap. “It’s so crazy, it just might work.” muttered the squishy dictator.
If both nations could somehow agree to swap something–or rather, someone–of equal value, then peace and balance could surely prevail. It would be just like Celebrity Wife Swap except no trade-backs. However, since it’s Korean tradition not to give two shits about your wife, Kim figured that he would trade his nerdy-looking daughter instead.
Prior to this ingenious idea, South Korean leader, Moon Jae-in, had completely forgotten about his own son’s benign existence. At any rate, upon hearing Kim’s flawless plan for peace, Jae-in lit up like a giddy, little schoolgirl. Finally, his son would be useful for something!
This isn’t the first time that quarreling leaders have swapped children to ensure peace. Throughout the nineteenth-century, this tradition was fairly common among ancient Native American tribes. Some Native leaders–to really solidify trust–even allowed opposing leaders to sleep with their very own wife (only missionary, though.)
Now, the origins of the Korean Conflict are quite convoluted. A lot of it stems from troublesome egos and complex power struggles that a great many historians have been trying to make sense of for over half a century. The crux of the matter, though, boils down to this: the small penis dilemma.
After WWII, Japan was forced to relinquish Korea to the incredibly trustworthy nations of the United States and the USSR. In the same way that a child divvies up the last slice of pizza among his friends, the US and the Soviet Union did exactly that–the US would devour the top-half of the slice, leaving the USSR with the lone bottom-half.
This is where the small penis dilemma comes into play: both Syngman Rhee, an anti-communist dictator in the south, and Kim II Sung, a communist dictator in the north, claimed that they had possessed the bigger penis. After a lengthy exchange of nasty insults and vile threats, the North ultimately decided to invade the South, and the rest was history.
For now, small penises appear to be a thing of the past. Both nations are boldly looking toward the future–a future of peace, prosperity, and all kinds of crap. In one of the most important moments of the twenty-first century, both leaders crossed the DMZ–a border that’s been active for over 70 years–and embraced, grabbing each other’s junk in the process with absolutely no animosity whatsoever.
Though their penises may be small, their futures are large and filled with girth. Besides, women don’t care about size–at least, that’s what they tell me.