Last week, several highly controversial documents obtained by Wikileaks revealed that a top-secret fast-food restaurant is currently operating beneath the sacred floors of the illustrious White House. According to the classified reports, President Donald Trump covertly orchestrated the construction of an underground Carl’s Jr. facility; whose sole purpose is to serve greasy, meaty hamburgers to the commander-in-chief exclusively.
The leaked files suggest that for twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, this secluded burger joint provides the president with all of his dire burger needs. If the reports are indeed correct, then on a weekly basis, our fearless leader averages approximately 36 visits, consumes an estimated 15 lbs of burger meat, and drinks enough Diet Coke to fill two kitty-sized swimming pools.
Despite the president’s questionable and dubious dietary habits, earlier this year, Ronny Jackson, the official White House physician, stated that President Trump was in “overall excellent health.” Trump then went on to tweet that he was “the healthiest president since John Quincy Adams.”
(Note: John Quincy Adams’s daily routine consisted of waking up between the early hours of 4 AM and 5 AM, walking 2 miles to the Potomac River, where he would swim bare naked before walking another 2 more miles back to his home, where he’d then eat a light breakfast, usually oats, and proceed to wrestle a local grizzly bear. Due to this strict and rigorous routine, Adams went on to live to the tender age of 80 in an era where the average life expectancy was well under 50.)
Now, why keep the existence of this mediocre hamburger-chain secret? Surely, there’s no laws prohibiting fast-food restaurants inside of the White House. Perhaps the president fears that if the public were to discover the existence of this hidden Carl’s Jr., then his image as a fit, healthy, and stable president would dissolve.
(Note: Did you know that Donald J. Trump, listed at a height of 6’3 and weighting a modest 239 lbs, is almost the exact the same height and weight as many successful athletes, including: MLB all-star, Mike Trout; former NFL quarterback, Tim Tebow; beloved Russian hockey player, Alex Ovechkin; and many more. Wow! That’s fit as fuck!)
However, some conspiracy theorists claim that this particular Carl’s Jr. might be more than just a typical burger joint. It may in fact be a secret rendezvous for high-ranking officials to discuss top-secret, classified information. Others claim that the restaurant is the prime destination for numerous satanic rituals and orgies.
Whatever the reason, Trump supporters from all over the nation took to social media to express their unwavering support for their beloved POTUS. Carol Dummey posted the following on Facebook:
“The fact that our president eats so much fast-food and cares so little about diet and exercise, yet is still fit enough to lead the greatest nation in the world, just goes to show how healthy he really is.”
However, the president’s loyal and obedient disciples weren’t the only ones with opinions on the matter. I recently visited a random Carl’s Jr. and spoke with one of the customers about the controversy now being referred to by several media outlets as “Burger-Gate.” Here’s what he had to say:
“Overall, I think this is a step in a positive direction for not only Carl’s Jr., but for mediocre burger places all over the world. At first, the access to mediocre burgers was very limited. You had one mediocre burger place per state, which isn’t a very good ratio. Then that number increased to one mediocre burger place per city, which is a better ratio. Then, gradually, as time passed, there were mediocre burger places on just about every block in just about every neighborhood, which is an awesome ratio. Now, they’re putting mediocre burger places in the freaking White House! What’s next? Mediocre burger places on the moon? Or Africa? If you ask me, the future for mediocre burger places is a bright one filled with endless opportunity.”
Now, whether there is a Carl’s Jr. inside the White House, or whether there isn’t a Carl’s Jr. inside the White House, one thing remains true: the American people have truly been blessed with a fit, healthy, and stable leader for at least the next three years, no matter how much fast-food he consumes. Unless, of course, something horrifically tragic were to happen. For instance, a fatal heart attack, or even a deadly liver or kidney disease. But I mean, what are the chances of that happening? It’s not like a burger ever killed anybody, right?